We have experienced our fair share of friendship problems, as we think many (if not all) people have. We didn’t have a lot of guidance while dealing with these, so we were sort of just left to float there. Like sad little plankton. So, we sought out some help. We learned quite a few things about detecting toxic friendships, fixing issues, and in the end, if there is nothing to be done, how to end a relationship cleanly. We realized that without the tips that we got from our friends, our parents, etc., we never would have figured it out on our own. We’d still be there, stuck in the middle of the ocean, screaming, “Swim away,” whenever we saw a whale. (This metaphor is more about our undying love for Nemo, but it works.) Here are some of the tips we used:
Detecting a Toxic Friendship
This can be hard or easy. Sometimes, the red flags are pretty obvious, but sometimes, they can be pretty difficult to see. Some common ones that I found are as follows:
- Your friend(s) constantly criticizes you without giving you ways to improve.
- Your friend(s) talks to you until someone else shows up, and then they ignore you.
- Your friend(s) tells you to change something about yourself, and pressure you to do so
- Your friend(s) put an effort into avoiding you
- Your friend(s) purposely leave you out of events
In betweening detecting the problem, and addressing it, make sure to be more skeptical of your “friend,” and don’t be pressured by them.
Addressing the Problem(s)
This is probably one of the hardest things to do. Talking to your friend (FACE TO FACE! ALWAYS FACE TO FACE!) about a problem is incredibly difficult, especially if you know they might not handle it well. However difficult it may be, it is equally as difficult to live on with your friend never knowing how they are making you feel. Fortunately, we can help you with that, too!
- Let them know you want to talk about something important.
- Set up a time/date (Seems like overkill, but it’s really not.)
- Make sure you talk to them FACE-TO-FACE! This cannot be stressed enough. Do not talk about this over text. It ends badly, believe us.
- Plan out what you will say, and make your points about what they DO rather than them as a person. This will reduce the chance of your friend becoming defensive.
- Answer any questions that they have, and remember: DO NOT YELL! Stay calm for as long as possible.
Fixing the Problem(s)
This is optional. If you want to stay friends with them, believe these problems can be fixed, and that they will become a good friend afterwards, then do it. That said, most problems should be fixable, unless your friend is unwilling to fix it. Going about fixing a problem is a hard and nerve racking thing that lot of people avoid doing. It’s not fun to sit down and have a conversation with a friend about issues, but it’s absolutely necessary if there are large problems.
- Know that you don’t have to have a million problems to justify fixing
- Talk to the person using “when you…, I feel…” I know, it’s cheesy, but it actually does work.
- Give your friend ways to fix the problems
- Remind them what you said if they continue to create a problem
Ending the Friendship
Sometimes, there is only so much you can do. Sometimes, you have to let go of people. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean you have to throw up a wall between you and your “ex-friend.” It just means that you have to bring your friend down to your level and help let them know where the relationship stands. Friendships have two sides, and when one of those sides doesn’t want to be part of the pack, both sides have to let go. LET IT GO, LET IT GO, CAN’T HOLD IT BACK ANYMOOOOORE!
- Explain to your friend about how you feel.
- Ensure that your friend understands your reasons for this “friend divorce.”
- Try to establish exactly what you want your relationship to be. An acquaintanceship? A friendship where you aren’t always together? There are different levels of friendship, so be specific.
In the end, friends are people that make you happy. They are people that make you feel good, that bring you up. They agree with you and let you speak. If they don’t do these things, they might not be your friend(s).
Example
(Now, considering that this is an example, these may be slightly exaggerated and simplified responses. Slightly.)
Becky: Hey, Linda, can I talk to you?
Linda: Oh, sure Becky.
Becky: I just wanted to say that when you said that my skin looks like I had smothered it in pizza, it kind of hurt my feelings.
Linda: Oh, sorry. What can I do to fix it?
Becky: Maybe think more about what you say before you say it.
Linda: Alright, I can try!
]It’s pretty hard to have this situation if the friend is known for being rude or sassy.]
Helen: Hey, Donna, can we talk?
Patricia: I don’t really wanna. [Red flag: Unwillingness to talk]
Helen: You’ve been kind of rude to me and Donna lately, and it’s really upsetting us.
Patricia: Whatever. Get thicker skin, seriously.
Helen: It’s becoming an issue and I just want to fix it.
Patricia: There’s nothing to fix except for your face.
Helen: That’s what I’m talking about.
Patricia: I didn’t do anything. Can you just go away? Gosh.
[HINT: THIS IS WHERE YOU END THE FRIENDSHIP POSSIBLY!]